When People Leave Your Church (And It Feels Personal)

When People Leave Your Church (And It Feels Personal)

Lesson #24 from 40 Lessons in 40 Years

If you’re a pastor, you know the sting.

Someone you’ve baptized, married, counseled, cried with… suddenly stops showing up. Sometimes they ghost you. Sometimes they send a vague email. Other times they sit across from you in a coffee shop and explain why they’re leaving—for “personal reasons” or because they’re looking for “something different.”

And no matter how many times it happens, it still hits you in the gut.

Even when you know it’s not personal, it sure feels personal. You’ve poured your life into this place. You’ve prayed and preached and showed up. And now someone’s choosing to walk away. It’s hard not to internalize it.

So what do you do with those hurt feelings? How do you respond without becoming jaded or emotionally shut down?

Here’s what I’ve learned.

1. Normalize it: It hurts because you care.

This is the cost of pastoring with an open heart. If it didn’t sting, it would mean you’ve grown numb—or worse, indifferent. The ache you feel isn’t weakness. It’s a sign that you’re still showing up with your whole self.

So don’t shame yourself for feeling it. That grief is evidence that you're not just filling a role—you’re loving people deeply. That’s the job.

2. Name it honestly.

Let yourself say it out loud:

“This hurts.”
“I feel rejected.”
“I wonder if I failed them.”

Name the emotion. Don’t bury it in busyness or brush it off with a spiritual cliché. If you suppress it, it’ll come out sideways later—through cynicism, resentment, or emotional distance.

3. Don’t confuse your role with your identity.

This is where it gets tricky. When someone leaves your church, it’s easy to let it hit your identity like a wrecking ball. You start thinking, “Maybe I’m not a good pastor. Maybe I’m losing it. Maybe I’m just not enough.”

Stop right there. You are not your Sunday attendance. You are not your retention rate. You are not your latest critic’s opinion.

You are called. You are faithful. And that doesn’t change based on who walks out the door.

4. Refuse to villainize them—or yourself.

One of the most damaging temptations is to create a mental story where you’re the hero and they’re the ungrateful villain. It helps protect your heart in the moment, but it poisons it in the long run.

Likewise, turning all the blame inward—“If only I had followed up better… maybe they’d still be here…”—isn’t helpful either.

Take an honest look, sure. But don’t invent stories to explain what you may never understand.

5. Look for patterns, not proof.

When someone leaves, it's rarely about one sermon or a single Sunday. Often, it's about a shift in season, preference, or priorities. But if you start noticing consistent feedback from multiple people, listen to that. Not as proof of your failure, but as helpful feedback for growth.

Look for the kernel of truth. Evaluate what you can. Release what you can’t.

6. Pray for them, sincerely.

This one’s tough—but powerful. If you can honestly pray for God to bless someone who left, you're doing more than protecting your heart—you're guarding your soul.

They may no longer be under your care. But they’re still under His.

7. Re-anchor your calling.

Every departure is a chance to go back to your why. You didn’t get into ministry for applause or affirmation. You were called. You were sent. You said yes to a life of shepherding people—knowing full well some would stay, and some would go.

So plant your feet again in the soil of your calling. It’s not always glamorous. It’s often thankless. But it matters. Eternally.

Final Thought

You’re going to lose people. That’s part of pastoring. But you don’t have to lose yourself in the process.

Let it hurt. Let it sharpen you. But don’t let it harden you.

The Church needs more pastors who still care enough to feel the sting—and still choose to love anyway.

Download the full list of the 40 Lessons I’ve learned from 40 years in ministry here. My hope is that somewhere in these 40 lessons, you find a reminder that you’re not alone, a challenge that stirs your thinking, or a bit of wisdom that gives you strength for the road ahead.