Wow, this is a great post Tim.

I also think that leaving this way helps give each person involved a healthy sense of closure and dignity (very underated), through what can be for everyone involved a difficult conversation.

People so often forget that Pastors are people too.

That might work in a "perfect" world…but after going through a divorce, I stopped attending because of humiliation that my life feel apart…and what hurt the most…not ONE person in this church of nearly 400 people even noticed I had left….not one call or visit to ask how I was….and my family and I had been there for over 10 years….what a "loving and caring" church…HA….

If the church you're leaving twists God's word by ripping verses from context in the name of giving people 'relevant' life tips and principles, preaches man-centered false doctrine (aka preaching to felt needs), preaches the law as if it is the gospel (The good news is Jesus wants you to Love God and Love others), and sings songs that worship you rather than God and these are the reasons that you're leaving that church… then you have an obligation to the body of Christ to warn people about that church so that people will know the truth and will avoid that church like the plague.

Evil thrives when good people don't speak up against it.

I think the way to combat these things is with sharing truth; not what you perceive as "the truth" about the church, but Biblical truth…if your influence is great enough that "warning" people about the church will have an impact – sharing truth from the Word should have even more.

The concern I have with your method is that – what if the member is the one who's walk is off, just a step? Then in an effort to "warn" others, they may undermine an God centered ministry that is effectively changing lives.

I understand what you're saying, but I think if you've been at a church long enough to "leave" instead of to just "stop visiting", Tim's suggested method shows Christ's love and gives glory to God.

Great post Tim…
Chris, my only question to you would be, "If you feel so strongly that the church you are leaving is so wrong, why were you there in the first place?"

Michelle – Thank you for your note. You and Brian have great integrity and you are missed greatly! My hesitation in writing this article was that anyone who may have left GCC recently might feel I was writing about them. But not true, just hopefully helpful for anyone out there thinking of leaving their church now.

We miss you guys!

Good thoughts. All true. I can't help but wonder what it was like in the early church. For example, if a churchgoer at Corinth started going to another church in the region (provided traveling wasn't an issue), what would the reaction from the Corinth church be? I just wonder if we make too big a deal out of where we go to church and for how long, etc. Just something I've been wrestling with.

Chris – pride, legalism and a judgmental heart are hard to detect in one self. Before I followed your strategy, I would make sure I had some pastors and spiritual counselors around me who could confirm that my issues were real, and that there wasn't a huge log in my own eye.

T,

People show up at bad churches for a variety of reasons.

Maybe they got a postcard from the church offering to give them advice on having a better sex life.

Maybe they saw a newspaper ad that said the church has up beat music and a top notch child care service.

Maybe they heard that the church has a coffee bar and theatre seating.

Just cause a church is great at marketing doesn't mean they preach the truth.

Tim,

Thanks for being such a great leader at GCC. You speak truth in a simple, yet profound way. I love you and Faith, and am so proud to have served beside you guys all these years.

I am constantly amazed by the love for Jesus that your kids have, the respect they have for you and Faith and eachother. I think you are doing a whole lot of things right, everything around you speaks to that.

Your post is a great example of love and grace, along with the peace that comes from doing things right. Thanks Tim.

I really enjoy this post.

Having just left a church a year ago that I attended for 7 years, this provides a really good insight on how it should have been done differently…

Better to do this late than never though.

excellent post, Tim!

Wow!!! This is really great…retweeting this as we speak)

I normally agree with you Tim, but this just seems like a wishlist from the staff-side point of view. People leave churches for a reason. Obviously, something is lacking/wrong if you're a committed person yet you still feel the need to leave.

If I were on staff, or the pastor, I'd want to know why, not get some hand-delivered written form of a pat on the back. Who needs that?

Hey Tim, I totally agree with your post. I suppose it is hard to think about meeting with a pastor whom you know is so very busy. In my case, I did thank him via email for the church and for all of the blessings that happened in my life and in the lives of my family members, most of whom were all baptized in GCC’s care. I hope I was able to maintain integrity through leaving.
Thanks to you and your family as well. Michelle

Tim, Your 1% is probably lower AND to some other posts, part of the reason folks leave is that they are not noticed when they are NOT there. Nobody calls to check in on them. One of the most important tools, I believe, the Church can lose so that this post is not necessary is the care card. Write a note to the member who hasn't been here for a while (and you know this because you keep attendance. Count people because people count!) and let them know that you did notice it. In any event, as I started, your 1% is lower because it is difficult and almost 'confrontational'.

Now, where the church can learn from those who leave is critical from the 1% AND the 20%. What do we need to KEEP doing? START doing? and STOP doing? as a church…

Yeah, that's probably a whole other post on how to treat people with grace when they leave.

One way errors on the truth side. The other on the grace side. The third benefits all. I would hope the third way involves many conversations with the leader and person and doesn't just come from out of LF.

Tim,
Thanks for blogging. i enjoy your insight. This post made me think. Btw, keep pushin’ forward!

I think Chris made a good point, if after deep reflection and prayer, and discussions with the church leaders, verify that the church has strayed from the true gospel. Paul in his letter to the Galations rebuked them for being led astray by a gospel of legalism.

I would take the approach suggested by Tim Stevens, but would also tell the church leaders in the meeting that I have these "concerns" about how the church is performing and then leave it at that; let them decide if they wish to make changes.

When one of the disciples would err, Jesus would strongly rebuke them "Get behind me Satan" – and this kind of feedback makes this person reflect, re-evaluate, and improve as a better leader for Christ. No person, and no church is perfect, there is always room for improvement.

These discussions should, however, be as private as possible, to avoid giving the outside world the impression that any church with good intentions is inherently bad. It was the bad impressions of leaders such as the crooked TV preachers that caused me to leave the church for 18 years before Christ brought me back with a new perspective.

Tim, I agree with you about the "care cards" – a church should be about life-on-life, not about "care cards" which imply that they are not intimately involved with each other. In a large church, this "life-on-life" thing can be difficult, but if everyone knew the value of serving on a team and the connectedness of that, as well as the fellowship, we would have more of a sense of community. I have tried to convince members of my family that church is much more than showing up for an hour once a week and then rushing home to soon forget, and they struggle with the value of the church. You get out what you invest. You reap what you sow. If you don't sow, you don't reap.

One thing I found at this church is that when I give feedback, the church has helped me understand their direction, and in some cases, it was my misunderstanding that was the issue. Though I never considered leaving the church, I believe that if a person is considering leaving, providing the reasons gives the church an opportunity to clarify any misunderstandings and maybe the person will decide to stay. They may have been leaving due to a misunderstanding, and that would be a shame. Tim, you and Faith are awesome, and I appreciate everything you do, and I also appreciate your understanding and your response when I did have a question. Open and honest communication are alive and well at GCC, if we work together.

You brought back some memories very vividly. I think application of the thought – “First Do No Harm” fits well with your observations. Also sent you an email regarding those memories!

Sometimes it’s just not that easy. When I left my previous church, everyone tried to talk me out of leaving. Not because they felt my spiritual growth would be impeded if I left, but because I had been a faithful volunteer in a number of ministries and they didn’t know how they were going to replace me.

I resigned from my ministries 6 weeks before I actually left the church and EVERY single Sunday someone tried to make me feel guilty for leaving. I was even “blessed” with a few comments from the pulpit about what happens when faithful servants walk away from the church. It made me wish that I had just walked away in the dead of night instead giving advanced notice.

I was there in the first place because that’s where God wanted me to be for a season.

The Apostle Paul attended many churches as he set out to help accomplish the great commission. He went where he was led by the Holy Spirit.

Good stuff Tim.

I agree, being proactive allows both the person leaving & the pastor to stamp out any rumors that might pop up.

I'd also like to hear your thoughts on how leaders can be gracious & encouraging to those who are leaving instead of as one person alluded to "blessing" them with warnings about their departure from the church.

Me, I've been through a divorce too; I know it is very painful and I'm sorry you went through that.
Here's my question though: you say no one noticed that you were gone from the church. Did you tell anyone there about your situation?
It seems to me that in a congregation of 400, to just expect to be missed is, well, unrealistic. And, at least the way you describe it here, it sounds rather passive/aggressive. It's not fair to expect your pastor to read your mind! None of us can do that and she can't either.

In response to ME:

You said, “Not ONE person in this church of nearly 400 people even noticed I had left….not one call or visit to ask how I was…”

The real question is – Did YOU let anyone know about your situation? Who did YOU call? By your own admission you simply disappeared on day, and now you believe the church has slighted you. I find that unfair.

Consider James 5:14, “Is there any sick among you? LET HIM CALL the elders of the church…”

You see, God puts the responsibility on YOU to make the call.

Tim,

I appreciate your approach to leaving a church, but I feel that few people how leave would be able to do this. I believe this approach is really for those who have been actively participating in the church where the leadership knows you and has identified you as a leader. The type of people I would assume who read your blog.

But, I feel the large majority of people who leave feel like the commenter, Me, above. They are leaving due to a painful situation and really need members of the church to reach out to them. They do not have to try to get them to come back to that church, but they do need to know that they care.

People leaving your church is a gift from God to show you what is going on in the body. Sure, one person's exit may not tell you much, but if several people are leaving because of a particular reason, it is an opportunity to listen to what God is trying to tell you.

He may be telling you that He is weeding out those who will distract you from the vision He has given you. He also may be saying that your church needs to strengthen an area of weakness. Whatever it may be, people are so precious to God, whether they are coming or going, more than likely God has something to tell you in it. As shepherds of the flock, the leadership needs to humble themselves and risk potential unwarranted attack or painful truths to make sure those who are leaving are blessed on the way out.

Agree and disagree.

Disagree that something is wrong or lacking if you feel the need to leave a church. Maybe you are moving. Maybe the passion/focus God has put on your heart is better nurtured somewhere else. Maybe your personal gift to the church is better utilized with a different group of believers.

Agree that, as a pastor, I often want to know why they are leaving. My article wasn’t about the pastors’ response. It was about the proactiveness of the person leaving.

Shame on the church who relies on care cards and attendance records to discover whether people are there or whether they have left.

Church is about life-on-life. And if I leave a church and no one notices–it’s because I haven’t been pressing into relationships. An attendance or care card system can catch the new and unconnected–but for those who have been around awhile…they are cared for by the believers around them. And that is the church being the church.

It's interesting to me that Tim's post is about individual behavior and many responses seem to focus on the corporate response to the behavior. It's indicative of much that we seem to teach (although not necessarily by design) in church – that the church (and more specifically the pastorate or staff) must assume responsibility for our behavior. My wife and I left a church 5 years ago. It wasn't an easy decision. We actually left almost exactly as Tim describes – with a written explanation and conversation with leaders. Because we felt that was OUR responsibility. Regardless of why someone leaves – if they want the church to know why – it's really their choice to share it.

It's too bad that we fail to teach and live out the Biblical practices that would resolve most of these issues in the first place. Churches really need to develop, teach and practice a policy to pursue every reasonable measure for peace and reconciliation. Anyone who is upset with someone else, even their Pastors, should follow in a tender spirit the rules given by Christ in Matthew 18:15-17, 1 Corinthians 5:9-13, 1 Thessalonians 5:12-14 and 1 Timothy 5:19-20.

If the matter cannot be resolved, each person should go to another church member, staff member, deacon, or pastor for counsel and guidance. If the differences still cannot be resolved then the matter shall be turned over to a church group (e.g., Deacons) and the parties should work further to bring about repentance and reconciliation.

If this proves futile, the Deacons (or whatever group) should bring to the church body a recommendation for appropriate discipline, including possibly separation from the church. Yes, discipline — discipleship is what a church does and discipline is a part of that.

The Bible is very relevant here and relationships is what it is all about. Our relationship to God and our relationships with each other. In God's plan for us, both are great.

I understand your frustration, but God can take care of defending HIS church. If all we ever did was point out the false doctrine spread in our culture, we wouldn't have time to spread the truth.

Did someone take away the buttons on your telephone to keep you from calling anyone?

Relationships are two-way streets. Yes, you would think someone would have called. But if you were loving and caring you could call too.

Thanks, Tim. I just spoke with a friend who may not be at his church much longer. This will supply him a great template to leave with his bridges (and the pastor's feelings) in tact.

I don't believe the method Tim suggests is realistic. If there is truly something wrong at the church, the leadership needs to know about it. By only focusing on the positive – or leaving without saying anything – you don't give the church a chance to change. I don't agree with kicking and screaming, but surely there is a middle ground, where you offer both the positive and negative reasons why one is leaving.

Hey Tim-

I agree there is a healthy way to leave the church, and most of what you outlined is good. I think it is healthy and biblical for people to communicate to the leadership their reasons for leaving. As a pastor, I would much rather receive an honest reason for why someone is leaving, and have that in writing, in the off chance that someone later suggests they left for a different reason.

Boy, some people always assume that something is wrong with "the church" when people leave. It's so easy to project ones frustration onto "the church" – she is an easy target (as are the church's leaders).

There is no way a church can be all things to all people and it is an exercise in futility to attempt to please everyone.

When people leave a church, and how they leave, says more about the compaintaint than it does the church.

great thoughts!

Most pastors will agree that it is a good article.It is a pastor centered article and not a church centered article.
If I were a pastor, I would definitely want to know the reason why they leave.
If it is a criticism that is genuine – we should correct it; if it is not – it is not going to make any difference. However the fact that somebody is leaving a fellowship/church without informing or any other reasonable reasons like change in workplace or a new ministry etc, it is good enough a reason to examine ourselves and see where we are going wrong. But there will be some people – whose nature we would have known anyways all those years they had been there – the reason would be obvious in this case.
As long as the leaving persons are in the faith and not backsliding, the pastor need not worry.
Some sheep come in and go out to find good pastures.
Some sheep leave because they really do not belong there – the shepherd would have known this.
If the shepherd had known the sheep by name and is the kind who would lay his life for the sheep, he would go after the lost sheep and find the sheep.

I'm looking forward to reading that one =)

I just have to say Tim that it is a little unrealistic to want people to leave a church the way you are suggesting unless all those things they should write to the pastor are true, or things similar to that. If they are not true and there are major problems and things are not right, I'm sorry but people should hear about it. Even the staff.

This is kind of like if I were getting divorced and I want my wife to only talk good about me and say nice things about me to her friends and family. My motivation would be I don't want people to know the truth.

It's irronic that for years I was on staff at a church and sat in staff meeting after staff meeting each week listening to the staff cut down people who left the church that week or month. I take some of the blame because I didn't speak up against it and sometimes even participated. I was wrong.

Wow. Great post.
I recently left a church and am encouraged by the information you shared here. I appreciate your thoughts and honesty.

I Concur with the concept. I would, however, add (1) vital point. One should never leave a church unless God has released you from your assignments there. Without God's release, problems and issues or "The Lesson" they did not learn, and "The Test" they did not pass, will surely follow them to any new home of worship. New people, new place, same lesson, same test.

I don't believe it was a lack of caring or love on the part of those that you knew in your church, in most cases it is just the opposite. People, want to give you your privacy and are fearful of approaching you about your decision. Their assessment was, if he wants to talk about it, he will give me a call, if not, I will give him his space. That is pretty much what our society does today.

I like this…except for the fact that I'm thinking about leaving a church that I have been attending for about 8 months where I haven't experienced any growth.

That, in fact, is why I'm leaving.

Well, that and the fact that I expressed some of my disillusionment with the pastor about a month ago requesting to meet with him to talk about it and I have not heard back.

So, I'll agree that this is the ideal way to leave a church that is (mostly) ideal.

But is there ever a place to leave a church because the church is not doing its job in making disciples and to say that to the leaders of the church? Is it really for the leaders' best benefit that they are permitted to remain unhealthy by having people leave without any sort of criticism?

I suspect that this was written with great intentions for those leaving, and to help people understand that leaving loudly or silently is not helpful to themselves or the leaders, but what of those people who actually WANT the church to be the church better?

Thanks for this post Tim. I have linked to it. One thing I am learning, as the pastor of small church, is that if two families leave that is 10% of our usual attendance. They may both have good motives but a more public discussion about it may help us to leverage the timing better.

Great post.

For several years we have done an "Attrition Report" as a leadership team to try to quantify our loss of people based on reasons for leaving. Even when we see that someone leaves, we try to do some type of "exit interview" with them – even if, to them, it seems like a casual conversation. We try to get to their reason, and put it on our attrition report in a particular category. Here are the two biggest reasons people have left our church over the past 8 years:

1. "I didn't feel like I could connect"
2. Disagreement/Conflict with the Pastor

We tried to cross-check a lot of these folks with things like: Did they serve, did they give, how did they leave their last church, and we found that the highest side of 90% of people who left because they could not connect (1) Never gave financially to the church, and (2) did not serve in any area of the church, and refused to get involved in a home group (but felt that the church was just not friendly to them).

Around 80% of those who leave because of pastoral conflict have at least one other church in their recent past where they left because of conflict with their former pastor, and they came to our church telling us what a jerk their former pastor was, and what a sanctuary this is by comparison, and what a great guy THIS pastor is by comparison (watch out new pastor – you're next!).

These are the stats. I agree with the author that MOST people never tell you they're leaving, and the ones who do – do it in a hurtful way while they tell you that pastor or church members are the ones who hurt them.

Other reasons we have on our report (because they recur or occur):
- Moved out of the area
- Life-change (marriage, etc. went to new church)
- Church too small (used to a mega-church)
- Church too big (used to a small church)
- Not being fed by Pastor's sermons
- Felt snubbed or self-conscious because of a personal failure
- (often) "I don't know – I just felt the Lord leading me to leave – no offense"
- Disagreement with doctrine or vision
- Church does not offer "ABC" ministry, and I need "ABC" ministry – and thus-and-such church offers it so I'm going there now.

That's all for now.
PK

Sounds like a different philosophy of ministry that you have no right to judge. Quietly and sweetly go find a church that doesn't focus on the unchurched and spends their time feeding the saints and get the poison out of your heart, my friend

I left I church in the manner of your 79% – just stopped going. Like another commentator, nobody phoned, got in touch or seemed to notice. I thought just going would be simpler.

Now I am thinking of leaving another church ( a lovely church – it isn't anything they've done) perhaps I should give a reason. I suppose I worry that I'll seem attention seeking if I do that – and that isn't my way.

I have been drifting away from my church because I am not happy with our new pastor. Our church is small but few other than the pastor seem to notice my increasing absences because I have not been "pressing into relationships" in the church.

But this brings up a question. I have a form of high-functioning autism called asperger's syndrome and that sets up a social barrier such that I don't know how to "press into relationships" and others don't help me. In their defense, those of us with very high-functioning autism and asperger's often don't appear "disabled" to others, just "a little strange" and so people probably don't realize how much we struggle and how much help we could use.

I do wonder if I would be able to weather this change in pastors better if I had a strong social support system in the church instead of being the person who stands alone by the wall during coffee hour and then leaves because the babble of voices is too overwhelming.

I guess what I want to say is that congregations need to be aware that there are people with social disabilities who really want to connect with others but don't have the "toolbox" to make it happen. I am eloquent in writing, but put me physically into a room of people and I am strange and awkward and not very good at expressing myself. I thirst to be part of the Body of Christ but end up feeling like an amputated limb instead.

I realize those of us with social disabilities are the minority and churches have to cater to the majority in order to keep attendance numbers high. But please, spread the word that we are God's little ones, too, and so many of us are drowning. Is it any wonder if someone like me drifts away from a church?

What can be done to help people like me? Bear in mind that your first answer might be that I should ask for help, but that requires others to take e-mail seriously because I go mute in moments of stress and just imagine how stressful it is to go up to someone and tell them that you are so broken you don't know how to connect with the social and emotional life of the church and need help — a type of help that few non-professionals even have an idea how to give. Will the response be to give me a hug? My neurological condition makes me sensory defensive and a hug is painful and very intrusive. (In fact, the new pastor's hugs and kisses are a big part of what's driving me away from the church now.) What else do people know to do when someone confesses that they feel alienated and alone? It is like a giant cultural gap that neither side knows how to bridge.

Autism is on the rise and the biggest percentage of the new autism cases in children are of the high-functioning and asperger's type. Churches can ignore people like me for now, but the next generation needs to be equipped to know how to deal with the wave of socially disabled people who are coming.

This is a fantastic post. When I moved to another state and left my home church of many years, I met personally with the pastor before I left. I regret that I did not write a thoughtful letter as well. We are still in touch so I suppose it's not too late. I forwarded this post to my pastor. I know he will enjoy it. Thank you.

Hi Lonely girl

Let me start by saying you are not borken, you are part of the body of Christ.

You are right my first advice is to ask for help. Play to your strengths, email the pastor. Explain to him how you feel, why you dont want his hugs. Outline what will help you in those awkward social situations.

I go to a church with several members with learning and social disabilies. Their needs are considered and met, in fact it is a particular ministry of some of the congregation.

Don't give up.

Di

and just cause a church is great at marketing doesn't mean they DON'T preach the truth.

that might be ok if the leader/preacher is able to hear the truth with love. I found in previous church they didn't take feedback very well. There was some "issues" in the church and really, i don't think some leaders want to know about it.

I think feedback is important in any organisation. It helps to grow the church and see where things could improve.

This article is such a wank – clearly written by an ego-centric Pastor with an emphasis on reputation, numbers and statistical data rather than servanthood to the body. So Tim, we should all just pucker up and kiss the Pastor's ass because if we don't, it's clearly an indication that we've got issues, a log in our eye or something else? Right?

It's funny because a lot of Pastors up and leave their congregations when a better career/ministry "opportunity" presents itself to them. What a joke!

Me, you have my sympathy. I'm appalled that all those respondents just turned the onus back on you. When you've been in a church of 400 for 10 years, you will have a circle of friends, and its not too much to hope that someone will call when they haven't seen you for a while, even if its bumped up to someone on the pastoral team.

People may have not known what to say about the divorce, and may have felt too embarrassed, in case their interest was unwanted. Also, they might have felt after a while that they'd waited too long, and been embarassed to call for that reason.

But it shows that the friendships we form are not always 'safe' places to share. As Christians this is very sad.

Barry, are you a Pastor? Have you ever stood in my or others' shoes who face this stuff? We're not just discussing a decision to leave a church for something better – there are a lot of people involved here:
the church members, the other pastors and staff, and the family members (wife or spouse and kids) of the pastor leaving.

But, I guess you're entitled to your opinion just like anyone else.

You had me at "wank."

Great info for the masses, Tim, and I agree with all except the part about not sharing "what" you are seeking and "why". I liken it to friendships. In my mind, a true friend is one who, in love, tells you that they believe the outfit you are wearing may not be the most flattering choice instead of a "kind" friend who simply says what you want to hear. Truth, to me, breeds growth and trust. Opinions are just that…opinions. Not right or wrong, but offered from a loving heart, can lead to helpful insight. This "truth" however should remain confidential, not to be shared outside the walls of the relationship, which can be seriously damaging to all.

Tim and Jamie Doyle –

I have to wonder where we would be without historical figures such as Martin Luther and John the Baptist?
Can you imagine Martin Luther adopting Tim Stevens approach? Where would that leave us now?

What about John the Baptist? If I recall correctly, he used such epithets as "brood of vipers" when referencing the church leaders of his time did he not? Contrast this with Tim Stevens approach "…I would not gripe or complain. I would not talk about the stuff I don't like or decisions with which I disagree…" One approach represents "real" and "authentic" Christianity, the other a flaccid, "soft-cock" version not willing to offend in a vain attempt to preserve unity.

Barry,

I don't doubt that there are egocentric pastors out there, some get rich off preaching on tv, which drove me to leave the church for 18 years before I came back. But to say this was a "wank" that was "obviously" written by an "egocentric pastor" without meeting him is very wrong.

I know Tim Stevens and his wife personally and I can truly testify that they are among the most humble, faithful, and wonderful servants of God I have ever met. After my 18 years of running from God, they have shown me what a true Christian is like, and I believe you owe them an apology for assuming such things.

Tim, I don't know of a church that specifically uses care cards and attendance records and I certainly didn't suggest that they were the only means to know if someone was there or not. They are both simply another 'tool' in the toolbox of staying connected.

Please teach me how to stay in my church. I joined in 1959(as a child), been an active member since. I love my church, but it has just about dried up. My Sunday school class used to run over 80 on a regular basis, this week the entire dept. was 75. Our large group of teens is now down to 2. Some say it is wrong to blame the pastor, but this steep decline seems to go un-noticed, and with out action or a plan of remedy. Pastor is so removed, it is as if "this is the way it is – so be it". What can I do – do I stay and fight to survive or stop down the street and join a thriving church now.

I think honestly its 'situational'. I left a small church many years ago, my husband was cross-dressing, and as the police put it, committing 'marital rape'. We went to the Pastor and his wife, who told me my body was not mine, but my husbands, and I MUST give it too him, whenever he pleases at whatever time etc, to which his wife backed him up, saying this is what she does. I had been through previous sexual abuse and got to a point that I just couldn't cope with it anymore, the pastor told me that if I wanted to divorce my husband, I was go infront of the WHOLE congregation, and tell them EVERYTHING or I was nolonger welcome in the church…

To say the least, I left. I was petrified, of going to a church and finding another 'man of God', that would make me succumb to such things.

It took a year of God speaking to the depths of my heart, calling and calling, for me to go to the church that I am now a part of. I have been there over 6 years now, and it is my 'home', bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. God has healed so much, and I have very real and beautiful pastor's whom also have a very good understanding of God's grace. We have been through some horrific stuff as a family (single mum with 3 children) and have had support through all.

I to this day, do not believe that the first church was of God, I think it was one of those where God was left sitting on the doorstep, wanting to be allowed in. If I ever had to leave the church I am in now, it would be on God's calling. As it truly is one of His churches. And obviously in those circumstance, I would be able to do as you asked Tim, but my Pastor's would need to be in agreement… and be a part of the process of releasing me anyway.

Thank you for this post!

~Dani

Wow…I just realized that my comment/question was apparently deleted after going unanswered for two weeks.

Here's to hoping it was an honest mistake and not the result of being unable or unwilling to tackle a tough question.

So, um just joking. Apparently didn't see the "more comments" link. Stupid me.

But let's utilize this opportunity to request a response to my previous comment. Any takers?

Tim?

Hey Tim,

Very good one.

Sometimes I think it would help many a pastor to experience for themselves the spiritual, emotional abuse that many experience in churches, whether small or large; so they can better understand why their attitude toward the sheep so desperately needs to be one of respect and gentleness.

Leaders should take it upon themselves to meet their sheep where they are at, not expecting the huge amount of people who are natural born introverts to act like extroverts in order to be cared for in the church. If we are willing to meet the unsaved where they are at, we should also be willing to meet our brothers and sisters in Christ where they are at. Our responsibility is to love others, not tell them how they are supposed to love us.

I was in the ministry for many years. I really did want to serve my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ with all my heart. But as we all know, things that start out well eventually go through an ebb. Inevitably, our weaknesses begin to show. Often we begin to feel important, even addicted to the power of the position, at times. It's all so subtle.

Over time an "us vs. them" mentality develops amongst leadership towards the sheep. People who dare to say that something might be wrong become threatening to the kingdom in which we rule … all for Jesus, of course. (tongue in cheek.) We slide into using strategies to keep the complainers at a distance, and undermine what they say with nary a thought as to any legitimacy of their issues. When they leave, we are quick to judge them, condemn the way they left, and never even notice we are gossiping about them.

How many times have I heard it said, "Blessed subtraction!" Yet, is this loving? Is this respectful? Did we do our job to reach out when they were brave enough to say there was an issue to honestly investigate their claim? Or are we too important and too busy to care for our own sheep? What about when they left? Did we go after them to, at a minimum, apologize if we'd offended them? Or apply Galatians 6:1, and be gentle and loving (not to mention humble, in case we are wrong) if we perceive that person is overtaken in a fault. The goal is restoration after all.

After an unexpected turn of events we moved to a new town and new church. We never mentioned that we had been in the ministry, because we sensed it would make the leadership feel insecure, since they were young and struggling. We did get involved and built relationships, as that comes easily to us. But in spite of our doing all that we tell people to do in "showing themselves friendly," the prescription did not work. For the first time we felt what it's like to not feel "connected." Newsflash: It's unpleasant … more than I had even imagined.

I was sick for a year and after months of no visitors, no calls, and no fellowship, I begged a leader who lived close by to visit me for a few minutes. She never did show up, though I pleaded. Multiply that and include all the main leaders, and you can imagine how much that would hurt. But if one was a leader they got the royal treatment when they were down. Oh, what a shock to us to feel the other side.

I've been humbled. May God help us to treat the sheep we say we love with gentleness, respect, love, and pay attention to what they actually say to us. I dare say that 90% of the sheep choose to say nothing to avoid the backlash that the 10% get for being honest.

Tim, I know this is over a year old. Great post! (I also loved how you responded to some of the personal attacks and comments in here – well done.)

Thought about it, and now sharing it with you

Excellent, keep doing you hot the idea